Doubts and fears

Clarence by Aisselle A T Gabegie
Clarence, a photo  on Flickr.

I left Minet engrossed in preparations for our double handfasting and spent yesterday and most of today walking in the rain again, hoping to prolong Saturday’s calming effect. It is cool and too windy for June, and such strange weather is unsettling, although perhaps the approaching celebrations have something to do with my mood. But Jay is much on my mind too. I usually wake at first light and wander into the orchard to be with the animals for a while, leaving Jay to dream of cake until breakfast. But yesterday morning our cock Clarence woke me at the usual time to find that Jay’s place by my side was cold and empty. At first I wasn’t worried, as I thought he might have heard an animal in distress and gone to check, but when he didn’t appear for breakfast I began to wonder. Minet knew no more than I, but she is so involved in her preparations that I doubt if she’d have registered anything he might have told her anyway.

I know so little of Jay’s life before we met, and there is a side of him that remains mysterious in spite of our closeness and the years we’ve spent together. I know of his need to melt into the woods and fields and to become one with the natural world from time to time, and have always known that he’ll return when he’s ready, renewed and refreshed. He in turn, knows it has never been necessary to tell me when nature calls, yet there are times – like when the police came – that my Spiritual Insight has told me that this time is different, that it wasn’t nature’s call that he answered but something quite else. But just now I don’t know what to feel. It’s as if both Hermaphroditey herself and my Spiritual Insight have deserted me. She has been strangely silent both yesterday and today, in spite of the sense that she was following me through the wood, although I suppose it could have been that damned Mollie Promp again. The woman is haunting me.

I came home an hour ago and descended to the basement to throw a few cards, yet had no heart even for my beloved tarot, and leaving the cards untouched, turned instead to the computer, and this, my very own blog, knowing that my devoted followers will send me energy to carry on to and through tomorrow, come what may. Jay holds my trust in his hands and I have faith that he will take good care not to break it. He is probably just renewing his connection to the Earth and will be back in time. But whatever happens, I will smile for Minet and George, and I suppose I could always ask Baphomet to act as a stand in if Jay forgets to turn up. Wish me luck…

Till soon, Aisselle


A Year Older

When I opened my eyes this morning, the sun shone through my window, and the trees were casting beautiful shadows on the ceiling. I turned to point them out to Jay – who was not there beside me. I was about to get out of bed to find out where he was, when he came into the room with a carefully laid out tray with my breakfast – blackberry juice, dandelion tea and raisin porridge – and a daffodil. My favourite things – for it is my birthday! I had forgotten, in all the agonising over Joel and with Henna’s little accident.

Jay was unusually twitchy, asking me to eat up before it got cold, so I set to with a will – it was truly delicious. I am so blessed. He gave me a card he had made himself, with daisies and rose petals, and asked when I was going to get up.

Puzzled by his impatience, I lay back on the pillow to look again at the shadows, lest they carry a birthday message from the spirits – and he pulled the covers off me and said to please hurry up, as he had a surprise for me. I love surprises so then I was only too happy to rise and dress myself, and went downstairs. I saw – nothing out of the ordinary – unless you count Henna scraping her jagged tooth with a woodchip from the fireplace. But Jay took my hand and pulled me out of the door and into the garden, with Henna in hot pursuit. On to the orchard – where to my amazement, I saw – sheep. “We don’t have any sheep,” I said, puzzled. “We must find out whose they are and return them.”

Henna cackled revoltingly. “Happy Birthday, Aisselle”, she barked, improbably. She had never given me a birthday gift before. She must still be feeling uncomfortable about Joel, I reasoned, and want to make amends. “Thank you,” I said politely, wondering why Jay had dragged me all the way out here to see sheep from Henna. But Jay was getting more and more impatient. “Turn around,” he said finally, unable to bear it any longer. So I did.

What was this ? Or should I say what were these? I had never seen such animals. Even our old rooster seemed puzzled. They were brown and fluffy – a little like goats – but not like. I stared. In the end Jay said, nervously, “Don’t you like them?”

“I love them, as I truly love all dear creatures. But – what are they?”

“Alpacas. I thought you would love them as you do the goats – and they will give us wool to spin and knit with.”

Alpacas! I have sheep and alpacas as new friends! I am so fortunate. I must name them. But I must take my time. They must have the special names such wonderful animals deserve. But that was not all.

We returned to the house, and – I don’t know how Jay managed this, but somehow since we had gone to the orchard, a box had appeared upon the table, with my name upon it in scrawly writing. I opened it carefully. Inside was a magnificent carob cake. Jay told me he had tried to make one for me himself, but after his third attempt, he had had to admit defeat and order one specially for me. And it is so very me!

What a wonderful start to my birthday! Celebrate with me, my friends! Hermaphroditey smiles upon me. The day is yet young, and there is still Joel’s package to open – I will save it as a treat for later, and put my worries to one side for today.

Blessings, Aisselle.


I am adding a note to this post, as I have been asked what the name of our rooster is.

It is Clarence.

Many years ago, when I was at school a boy by that name protected me from some bullies who teased me about – something I cannot help. I have always been grateful, and when the rooster arrived here one morning, with his lovely red feathers, they reminded me of Clarence, who had red hair. I thought it a nice way to remember him for his kindness.